My mom says she enjoys my blog, despite the fact that I curse gratuitously.
She also said she was afraid to tell me that because then I’d call her out on my blog.
Dammit, how does she know me so f*cking well?
Also, I DON’T CURSE. You don’t know what’s under that asterisk. I could be saying shet and fecking. Those aren’t curses. Well, I guess fecking could be if you have a South African accent. Maybe.
So, I’ve never done a blog entry where I talk about stuff to buy because 1. I don’t get paid to, so why bother, and 2. it’s not really funny. But lately almost EVERRRRYONNNNE I know is getting pregnant and the #1 question they ask is: “THE F*CK DO I DO?”. That I can’t help you with, because having a baby is something you just dive into headfirst, without having a clue. Nobody can tell you what your experience will be like. You just have to LIVE IT.
But then, the next most popular question is: “What stuff do I need?” I remember walking through Babies R Us with Tim when we were registering for baby gifts and I wanted to run out of there screaming because I was so overwhelmed and terrified. There’s something very real about registering for baby stuff – and if you’ve never had a baby, how the f*ck (sorry Mom) are you supposed to know what you need?
And those store’s pamphlet guides they give you are sh*t. They list THE MOST RIDICULOUS things ever that you will NEVER need because they’re trying to get rid of that sh*t. They know that YOU DON’T KNOW that receiving blankets are completely unnecessary, so they can pawn them off on you like the suckers you are.
So here’s my look back on Logan’s first year, and all the sh*t you need, sh*t that is nice to have, and sh*t that is sh*t (or that you just don’t need to buy). You know, aside from basics like crib, stroller, car seat, because you already know about all that. And if you don’t, you should probably do some more research before your baby is born. Just sayin’.
Click on the pics for links to order them online. Again, I’m not getting paid to advertise this stuff so you know I’m telling the truth. But take everything with a grain of salt, because one woman’s beloved baby item is another woman’s garbage.
Sh*t You Need
BABY BJORN BABYSITTER BALANCE CHAIR
YES. THIS. TIMES A MILLION. Logan still sits in this thing and rocks himself like a crazy person. It folds up flat so you can take it anywhere. It’s lightweight. They don’t have to hold their heads up to be able to sit in it. It turns into a toddler chair. When they’re babies you can bounce it with your feet and it calms them down. Logan used to fall asleep in it. DO I NEED TO GO ON? Yes, it’s expensive ($149) but seriously, BEST INVESTMENT EVER. Also, register for it so you’re not buying it. Boom, problem solved.
Miracle Blanket Swaddler
So, because Logan is and always has been freakishly strong, he broke out of every swaddle we put him in and then he’d wake himself up and I’d be like ARRRRHGHGHGHNGLOAISHFDVPOAIHNVLOA. Every swaddle, that is, EXCEPT THIS THING. His arms would get pinned by pieces of fabric that go around his arms and behind his back, so he couldn’t get out of it. Plus it was so much easier than swaddling him with a blanket because I didn’t have to do that stupid fold down side A, wrap this thing around, wrap up around his feet, ALREADY TOO MANY STEPS. When you are in the midst of the hardest time of your life, anything that makes your life easier is a God send, f’reals.
Infantino Square Twist and Fold Activity Gym
You don’t have to get this exact brand, this is just the one that was given to us and we loved it. But there’s a boatload of types and themes out there, point is, get something where they can look up and swat things. Because, honestly, for the first couple months that’s all they can do anyway, besides eat and poop. Do make sure you have a baby mirror around there though, because they love looking at themselves. At least Logan did. He could be vain though. It’s also great for tummy time.
Simply Saline for Baby
Whenever Logan was sick, this stuff worked great. I would spray saline up his nose, take the bulb syringe, and suck all the gunk out. Then I’d give him another spray to keep his nose lubed (that’s what she said).
Fisher-Price Laugh and Learn Jumperoo
Once Logan was big enough for his feet to touch the ground, we had him in this thing. Again, any brand is probably fine but we really liked this one. It played fun songs (I can still hear them in my head….over…and over…..and over again) and it has a book they can flip through. It’s adjustable so as your baby grows, you can raise the seat. He definitely laughed, learned, and jumperoo’ed – so it’s not just a clever name.
You’ll get a lot of different diaper creams and balms from people, but nobody gave us this brand before Logan was born. They actually gave us this stuff at the hospital after he was born and I was like, done, this is it, BYE ALL OTHER CREAMS. First of all, it smells like pure *ssholes, alright, let’s put that out on the table. But all diaper creams do. So that’s a wash. But this doesn’t stain your hands white like the other ones do. It’s pretty cheap, it goes on smooth, and it works great. Love it.
Munchkin Arm & Hammer Disposable Changing Pad
These just straight up rule. Put them down on your changing pad and when your baby sprays diarrhea all over JUST AS YOU TAKE THE DIAPER OFF you won’t have to run and do an emergency load of wash. Just throw the disposable pad away and put a new one down. I mentioned that anything that makes your life easier is a God-send, right? I mean it. Also, keep some in your diaper bag and you can protect your baby from disgusting bathroom community changing tables.
Sh*t That’s Nice to Have
Especially for Baby Wipe Warmer With Light
Diva baby Logan didn’t like cold wipes on his heiny. So we bought this for His Majesty. Before he was born I laughed when I saw this at the store and thought “Who would buy this crap?”. Still love it.
Vicks Starry Night Humidifier
This is nice because we get insanely dry air up in this piece, so we put it on when he’s sleeping to keep the air cool and moist. It projects stars from the top so it’s also a little night light which is cute. You can get vapors that smell nice too although I can’t find any refills online. Send to me, please, if you find them.
Sophie Giraffe Teether
A lot of babies love this thing. Logan thought it was pretty cool, wasn’t over the moon the way some babies are, but he enjoyed it. I put it on the list because, seriously, A LOT OF BABIES LOVE IT. Chances are, yours will too.
Sh*t That’s Sh*t
Clothes. DON’T BUY CLOTHES UNTIL THE BABY IS BORN. Seriously, everyone and their grandmother will buy you baby clothes, and while the temptation to go out and get 500 newborn outfits is great, the truth is they are NOT in newborn size for long (unless they are born premature). Get a couple onesies and pajamas if you want, but it’s better to wait until the baby is born and assess what you still need. THEN shop for adorable clothes.
Receiving blankets. What are they for??! Maybe someone can tell me why you would need them in addition to or instead of swaddling and warm fuzzy blankets. They’re too small to swaddle and too thin to be warm. I don’t get it.
Baby Powder. Never used it, didn’t need it. I just A&D’ed his junk and went on my merry way.
Too many light flashing, noise making, seizure inducing toys. Babies don’t need a lot of fancy stuff. Some of Logan’s favorite toys have been a box of tissues he systematically emptied and a paper towel tube. Make sure they have lots of board books, toys they can shake, stack (tupperware works great), rattle, squeak, or squish.
That is all. I told you product lists aren’t funny. But hopefully this helps at least one of my many pregnant friends out there.
Until next time, XOXO